What are you doing here?
by MonaDelMar
Summary: Like Neela, just when I think ER has let me go, it sucks me back in. But I am slowly weaning myself of my fixation. In the meantime, while writing ‘letter’ this little one-shot popped up unbidden. Hope you enjoy. Genre non-specific. Pure nostalgia.


"What are you doing here?"

she asks in surprise as she opens the door looking very confused and crumpled.

"You asked me to fix your TV. Remember?"

She's very flustered, he thinks. He wonders what's up. She's still too fragile so he doesn't ask.

She opens the door wide and welcomes him in.

She says it's the cable. He takes a look while she gets ready. He'll give her a lift to work. She cools down in the shower after her torrid dream. She hopes Ray didn't notice. She's embarrassed that he caught her like that. She races to get ready; she does not want to keep him waiting.

While she was in the shower, he has fixed her cable and brewed a pot of coffee. When she has her things together, he insists she have some breakfast. He's already helped himself to some cereal and left cereal, milk and an empty bowl on the breakfast bar for her. She wells up. How does he always know what she needs? She misses that. He even left some milk for her. That's new.

"Don't mean to rush you," he says, "but we're going to be late."

She smiles and thinks fondly how much he has changed since first they met. He's the responsible one now. He really is her best friend. If only …

But it hurts too much to go there. She still needs to keep that door closed. One day soon she'll open it.

With that they both head for the door.

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"What are you doing here?" she says sharply.

She's obviously annoyed but he's oblivious.

"I thought we'd go to this thing together," he says as he barges into the apartment. His brash confidence aggravates her. He can't read her, has no idea what she wants.

She looks amazing, he fails to comment.

That aggravates her more but she says nothing. She doesn't really care; it's just one more reason they don't fit. She alludes to the fact that they need to talk. He's oblivious to the fact there might be something wrong. In a fluster, she collects her things. She really wanted to go on her own tonight. Now, by default, it looks like she's his partner.

This is not something she can deal with tonight but she has made her mind up. She is so disappointed. How is she going to explain this to Ray? She hopes he'll understand.

Tomorrow, she'll sort this out once and for all. The time for indecision is over. She's ready to open the door and air out that cupboard. Spring clean. Make a fresh start.

Tomorrow.

With that they both head towards the door.

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"What are you doing here?" she asks in obvious consternation.

She turns back and asks her guest to wait a minute as she pushes him back and pulls the door out behind her to prevent him coming in. He spots that guy Ray, who waves. He cringes. He realizes he has interrupted something.

He really had thought there was something brewing between him and Neela. Maybe it was that whole 'ex-pat' thing. After the day he had just had, he needed company. He can't even string a sentence together, he's so flustered. Boy he got it wrong this time. She and this Ray guy obviously have a thing.

He apologizes. Despite the situation, this intriguing woman still touches him. He was really looking forward to spending time with someone he had a connection with. The champagne was just an excuse. He just needed some company. Company with benefits would have been even better.

She goes back in and closes the door behind her. Is she locking him out or locking Ray in? Maybe a bit of both. He leaves dejected.

Ray is collecting his things. He says he'd better go. Her heart sinks. She was so sure this time would be different. She thinks she sounds pathetic, desperate, as she suggests he stay. She hates that. Her heart sinks further when he declines but she leaves the door open.

He says "I'm gonna go."

She stands, transfixed.

Why can't she move?

She's in shock, she thinks. Why did Simon have to spoil things?

He kisses her gently. Then he kisses her again, slowly, tenderly and says "see you soon." Those three words fill her heart with hope. He's seems so in control, so masterful. Is he toying with her? Why can't she react? She knows if she touches him, holds him, she will be unable let go.

He moves toward the door. She hears it open but still she remains transfixed. She does not react.

Go Neela, go, go, go.

But she can't. She hears the door close behind him. But she remains transfixed. She's confused. What has just happened? She's lost, she's floundering. Ray is right, this is always her base line, not knowing what to do, not reacting. She thought she had changed, become more assertive. She was so firm when she sent Simon away so sure of why and so sure of what she wanted. But no, she's still too easily knocked back. She still does not understand why she is so cautious with Ray. She trusts him. Why can she not trust herself?

Go, Neela go.

In a daze, she walks slowly towards the window like an automaton. But that's the wrong direction. What's wrong with her? Why doesn't she race down to the street? Why does she feel so rejected? Was he toying with her? She will ask herself the same thing over and over in the next few months. You should follow him Neela. She knows.

Go, Neela, go, go, go. But she stays.

She stands at the window and watches him throw his bag in the car. Then he turns and waves. She waves back. Even raising her hand is an effort. She cannot find the power to turn and run down to him.

She should have run after him. She should be on the street begging him to stay. A lump comes to her throat as she remembers that night long ago when he asked her to stay but she couldn't. Things were different then she thought as her heart lurched.

She swallows and tears come to her eyes as she watches him sit into the driver's seat. He hoists his lifeless legs into place before he closes the door. A shudder runs through her as she realizes some things have changed. Some things will never be the same for him again. Despite their earlier conversation she feels guilty. She fears the consequences of that awful night will always haunt them, that it will always come between them despite what he says.

Go Neela, take a chance. Go. Go. Go.

But she stays.

She wants to go but she's afraid. Maybe some day soon she will have the courage to follow.

What are you doing here, Neela?

GO!


End file.
